Tuesday, March 19, 2013

When a Stranger Criticizes Your Parenting

Well, it finally happened. It took three years, 10 months and 28 days, but it happened. I was publicly called out on my parenting techniques by a complete and total stranger. And it happened in church, of all places. So, if you're a frequent reader of this blog who's aware of my fiery passion, you can already imagine how this transpired.

First off, I hate taking my kids to church. As a man of little patience and a vigorous propensity towards frustration, having to keep the behaviors of two small children in check for a straight hour is no easy task. And while I think the idea of getting your kids used to routinely behaving in such a noise-restrictive environment is a noble one, it often feels like a complete waste of time and energy. This past Sunday put my wife and I to the test.

As usual, we arrived about eight minutes into the mass, just as the priest was beginning his homily. We ducked into the "Cry Room"- area of the church behind glass that's supposed to be used exclusively by families with small children. I say "supposed to be" because at least half of the chairs in the room are taken by either adults with bearded teenage children or adults with no children at all. Despite my rising anger over this fact, we begrudgingly squeezed past those very rule-breakers to get to the only three unused seats, with me holding a restless Nate on my lap.

 You can find anything on the Internet. Even a picture of a kid actually behaving in church.

It wasn't long before both boys lost interest in the priest's message, which filtered into our special room via wall-mounted speakers. In fact, it took about 90 seconds. Into Antonio's book-bag they went, pulling out a handful of books and a toy car for each of them. I couldn't blame them for being bored. I get bored half the time and I'm not three years old. So the boys both moved to an open area where they pushed their cars on the carpet like little boys tend to do. But since I refuse to be seen as irresponsible, I got up from my seat when I saw Nate start to wander near the other parishioners. Learning from the bad examples of others, when I can avoid it, I don't allow my kids to inconvenience or bother people. As a parent, I believe it is my duty. So, I stopped Nate in his tracks and pointed him away from any possible physical contact with an annoyable stranger. Then, suddenly, a man leaned over and whispered to me.

"You know this isn't a daycare center, right?" he asked sternly, pointing to the sign on the nearby wall.

I was so stunned I just stared at him for seven seconds. It might not sound like a long time, but ask someone to let you stare at them for that long and ask how it feels. It was excruciatingly awkward. Then he repeated himself, thinking I didn't hear him.

"Are you being serious right now?" was all I could get out at first. Being as temperamental as I am, I'm always so close to my boiling point that my brain practically short-circuited. "I'm doing the best I can. Have you ever tried keeping two toddlers entertained during an hour mass?" I continued, before pointing out the very first bullet on the very sign he pointed out to me. "And this is a room exclusively for the use of families with small children. So what are you doing here? Where are your children?" I asked in full voice. I could tell he didn't expect me to respond with such angst, as he put his hands up as if to say, "Oh boy, what have I started?"

Moments later, he got up and left. Still heated, I looked at my wife (who was trying to calm me down to prevent this from coming to blows) and said, "Good!" loud enough for everyone in the room to hear me. And like most of us do when we're arguing a point, I looked around desperately for supporters, but everyone was looking at me like I was wearing a ski mask, walking into a bank. I shouldn't have been surprised, though. Generally speaking, when there's an uncomfortable moment happening in public, people tend to avoid participating in it at all costs. Can't blame them. But I would've appreciated a high-five.

So, at the end of the day, I was still fuming about what had happened. But above all else, I felt like I'd taken a stand for all the children who get dragged to church on a weekly basis who are simply too young to understand the concept of religion and exist solely to be entertained. And I also believe that I stood up for tolerance...which is a principle of the Catholic church, right?

Have any of you gotten into an uncomfortable conversation because of the unsolicited opinions of a stranger, or even a family member? I'd like to hear about this and to keep this conversation going.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to share it with someone who'd like it.

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-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter here.
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Monday, March 4, 2013

The Art of Deception: Teaching Our Kids to Lie Effectively

I know what you're thinking. The second you saw the title of this blog you said to yourself, "Pfft, that's ridiculous. I would NEVER teach my kids to lie." But you have. Or you will. Trust me on this. Today, we'll go over the little ways we teach our children that lying is acceptable...under the right circumstances.

Clearly, most of us don't have children with the intent of raising them to be deceitful cretins. But let's face it; despite our best efforts to keep them honest, we've all been guilty of at least one of the following deeds:

The Nap Illusion

This is really only applicable if you have multiple children. But if you do, then you're familiar with the nap illusion. Your younger child is still on a daily nap schedule, but your older one is past that phase. He's all like, "Sleeping? Ain't nobody got time for that!" However, your younger one won't go to sleep if he sees his older sibling awake and having fun. So what do you do? You create the nap illusion. I did this last weekend. I whispered to my son, Antonio, "Lay down and pretend you're going to sleep, too." He smiled menacingly and did just that. But not before doing his best to sell the illusion.


"Don't worry, Nate. I'm taking a nap and I'm definitely not going to stay up and play with those Legos that are on the floor over there." #subtle

Making Mom Happy

When we're hustling to get out the door for a party, getting the kids dressed, ready, fed, happy and not hitting you is no easy feat while we're trying to get ready ourselves.  So if you're a guy who's married to a woman, she will regularly ask you to "approve" her outfit. And if she doesn't believe you, she may get so desperate that she asks your child. So, I try to be ahead of this and coach my son to "tell Mommy that you think her color scheme is appropriate and seasonal. No matter what she's wearing, say exactly that." Naturally, he doesn't say that at all and we end up being late to the party and everyone is crying.

CYA

Picture this. You're driving two children to a farm to go apple-picking. It's October, so there's only so long you can avoid doing such a thing. Your wife is out of town so it's all on you to get the kids dressed and to assemble the perfect amount of snacks and drinks for your voyage. You arrive at the farm and go to take them out of their car seats. But you realize something odd. Your younger son appears to have already figured out how to unbuckle himself from his seat. You think, "Wow, my kid is so gifted and surprisingly strong.  I can't believe he..." And then you realize you never strapped him into his car seat to begin with! You look around for witnesses to this act of juvenile carelessness. Your older son is looking at you with a menacing grin. You beg him not to tell his mother. "What good would that do?" you even ask. You're desperate to maintain your otherwise average parental reputation. But I speak from personal experience (because this entire scenario happened to me) in saying that your kid won't care about your reputation and you'll end up looking like Casey Anthony.

Sure, I'll lie for you. For a price.


Ultimately, I guess I should be happy since 2/3 of the time, my child opts for the truth instead of honoring my wishes for a bold-faced lie. But I'm foolish enough to think that my children will make the distinction between what I say is okay to lie about and what their inner voice tells them is acceptable. And the real moral of this story is that your kids won't lie about the things you want them to lie about, so simply urge them to tell the truth, no matter what the consequence...which is likely what I should have been doing all along.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to share this with others.

Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter here.
Buy my first book in paperback here.