Item: Diaper Genie/Champ
Retail Price: $34.99
Verdict: Totally fucking useless
It seemed like a great idea to me as a new parent in 2009. A receptacle existing solely for the purpose of keeping the smell of shit from my nose? I'm on board! But what realistically happens is you put two or three "soiled diapers" in there and the room winds up smelling like a Woodstock porto-potty anyway. So what do you end doing? Leaving it in the baby's room as simply an overpriced garbage can.
It also makes a wonderful door-stopper.Item: Wee-Blocker
Retail Price: $10
Verdict: Son still pisses in my face
Okay. If I could offer you just one piece of advice when registering for/picking out baby items in a store it would be this: Avoid anything that looks like a gimmick. There is no clearer example than the wee-blocker for boys. When I found out the baby was male, I giggled like an eight-year-old as I scanned the bar code for this item that apparently is placed on top of the baby's penis like the lid of a candle. But realistically? It's like trying to balance a cup of coffee on a dog's head. Translated another way, if the kid moves a single muscle, the worthless piece of cotton falls off. If this item was repackaged as a wee-condom, then we might be in business. But otherwise, it wasn't worth the initial juvenile chuckle.
Notice they don't show the exasperated face of the parent trying to change a diaper with one hand.Item: Boppy Pillow
Retail Price: $30
Verdict: Simple idea that actually works
If you don't know what this is, it's a pillow shaped like a "U" that you position behind your child once they're old enough to sit up but not old enough not to fall over like a drunken idiot. The sucky thing about this (or any other baby item, really) is that there's a supplemental item you also need to buy to accompany it- a slip sheet cover ($10.99). We got a brown one, so it looks like a big turd is wrapped around Nate's waist when he sits in it. But it allows me to actually direct my eyes towards other things (like my dinner), which has been scarce since I became a dad. For that reason alone, I give it an A. See also: Bumbo Seat
Item: Travel Wipe Warmer
Retail Price: $19.99
Verdict: Are you fucking kidding me?
I don't own one of these, but I don't have to own it to tell you that it's a complete waste of an Andrew Jackson. I realize it may sound hypocritical for me to say that I do use a bottle warmer for my son but am against a wipe warmer, considering both items regulate temperature. But put simply, cold formula can upset a child's stomach and keep them up at night. A cold wipe can only teach your child to be a man (even if they're a girl....especially if they're a girl) and to stop being such a pussy.
Item: Jogging Stroller
Retail Price: General Range of $140 - $450
Verdict: I'll let you know once I actually use it
It's a cute idea. You want to maintain your body weight and actually get to exercise despite having kids in tow. But it's not realistic. I have a hard enough time running while not trying to maneuver an easily frightened baby on wheels. And plus, it feels like you're pushing a crying wheelbarrow.
Seconds later, the baby was thrown face first into an oncoming rollerblader.Item: Fisher Price Jumperoo- Rainforest
Retail Price: $89.99
Verdict: Buys you precious time when you'll want to kill yourself
A few things get accomplished here. For one, your kid gets to bounce around. And even at 32, I can think of no other activity so immediately gratifying. It also introduces them to the rain forest while simultaneously creating a window for you to iron your clothes and shovel a handful of Cheerios into your mouth before work. For one day, it's not worth the nearly $100 you'd have to drop. But over the course of time, it pays for itself. Trust me. Again, remember the bouncing.
Item: ERGObaby Heart2Heart Organic Infant Insert
Retail Price: $37.99
Verdict: N/A
I've never actually seen or used it, but I'm including it because it looks like a giant vagina that you drop your child into.
Talk about returning to your roots!Those are just a handful of items I have strong opinions on, but there's tons more. For instance, I do believe it's entirely possible to carry a diaper bag as a man and still maintain a fraction of your balls. Just make sure it has a sports team, pirates, fire or skulls on it. Skulls make anything more masculine. Also, a bottle dry rack, pack n' play, stroller, car seat, diapers, creams, wipes, burp cloths, bibs, socks, clothes, hats, gloves, receiving blankets, rectal thermometer, mobile, crib, dresser, tiny nail clippers, high chair, bouncy seat, nap nanny, activity gym. Get all that shit too.
Yeah, no.Good luck conning your family into buying the most expensive crap.
-Joe DeProspero
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