Yeah, yeah, I know. First world problems and all that. There
are people in this world who suffer far greater fates than a foggy lens. And
those subjects are better tackled by writers exponentially more intelligent
than I. But me? I wear glasses. It’s what I know. And it’s a lifestyle marred
with overlooked inconveniences and comical setbacks. Because of a medical
condition, I am not able to wear contact lenses. Bear that in mind while
reading this piece.
There are times when I’m out in public, at a bar, coffee
shop, etc. when some stranger rubs me the wrong way and I have to bite my
tongue. Because my insurance won’t pay for a new pair of frames should I get
punched in the face. And with my astigmatism it’d be like putting a down
payment on a small car.
Aside from the obvious setbacks that come along with the
lifestyle, here are some situations where it’s nearly unbearable to be a
glasses-wearer.
Picking
out a Halloween costume
Dressing up like a goon and collecting candy bars cemented
October 31st as my favorite day of the year as a kid. But every year
it was the same, tired problem. Which costume can I pull off despite my glasses
being on my face? Elvis Costello? Buddy Holly? The cast of “Revenge of the
Nerds?” None were attractive options for a 9-year-old already being pushed into
lockers. I instead opted for the horror genre. And to be clear, my Freddy Krueger
and Jason Voorhees years were marred with intermittent pouting as I strolled
down Maplewood Ave. in hopes of looking like a prolific murderer, instead
looking like a hockey goalie who ran out of disposable contact lenses before
the game.
Having a beach/pool day
There is no embarrassment-free option here. Either you wear
your glasses/prescription sunglasses into the water and walk around with water
spots on them all day (or risk losing them in the ocean, which I’ve done) or
you leave them with your clothes and towel, hoping you don’t drown or miss the
diving board.
Watching TV in
bed
In the first house we owned after my wife and I got married, the only
practical place we could position the television in the bedroom was to the left
of the bed on top of the dresser. This meant, of course, that in order to watch
it, we’d need to lay on our sides and rest our cheeks on the pillows. Now, take
a pair of frames and try accomplishing this with glasses on. Eventually, we
decided that Jay Leno wasn’t worth the frustration and bailed on the TV
entirely.
Playing ANY sport
Basketball, baseball, ultimate Frisbee, air hockey…if you
can think of it, I have probably had my glasses knocked off my face playing it.
And inevitably, I wind up looking like Kurt Rambis (not a good thing, ever).
The incomparable Mr. Rambis
Being on webcam
Every time I appear on a webcam, the producer asks me to
remove my glasses, as the light from my computer screen reflects off of them,
making it almost impossible to see my eyes. But when I take my glasses off, not
only can I not see my notes, but I can’t focus on a single thing and end up
looking, quite literally, blind to the viewers. Not a good look for me.
Pillow fights
I know this is random, but you’re at a serious disadvantage in any fight as a glasses-wearer, and that goes double for pillow fights.
I know this is random, but you’re at a serious disadvantage in any fight as a glasses-wearer, and that goes double for pillow fights.
Doing anything in the sexual realm
You start making out and your lenses immediately steam up
and/or become an obstruction. So you take them off. Then you spend the rest of
the sex squinting to make sure you’re grabbing for the right things and that you’re
even with the right person. Subsequently, glasses-wearers are 15 times more
likely to accidentally cheat on their spouses with a vacuum cleaner.
Having your picture taken
Everyone wants me to be remembered in photographs as a
non-glasses-wearer. I know this because I can’t be in front of a camera without
being shamed into taking mine off. “Hey,
do you mind taking your glasses off?” “Joe, take those babies off. You know the
drill!” But this is part of my face,
a distinguishing characteristic of my appearance. It’d be like asking Cindy
Crawford to remove that mole on her cheek. You know the one. Kindly place it
into your pocket and put it back later, Cindy. This next shot’s going on
Facebook!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go look for my glasses
that inevitably will be sitting on top of my head.
Follow me on Twitter @JoeDeProspero or email me at jdeprospero@gmail.com.
