A Parent Chaos: The Worry-Free Plan

People will give you advice when you become a parent. And you won't have to ask for it. Whether it be regarding items you'll need to make your life easier, specific and weird breastfeeding techniques or ways to sneak sex with your spouse in so your napping kids won't catch on, some people feel compelled to share their wisdom (read: idiocy) with you. But what they don't tell you is how to thwart your parental responsibilities onto others with childish antics. And folks, that's what I'm here for.

Despite taking my parenthood quite seriously, I would go out of my mind if I shouldered every burden that it threw at me. And if I went out of my mind, my wife and kids would go out of their respective minds. And I really don't want that to happen. Would you?

So, instead I keep myself regular by using a series of well-planned, deflective tactics to ensure my sanity. For one, I figure out the poop schedule. Eventually, we all fall into patterns for when we eat and dispose of waste, and babies are no different. And I exploit it. I figure out a time range for when my sons might be releasing their meals into their diapers and make myself scarce during that time. In the rare instance where I'm in the same room as them when it happens, I simply say, "Hmmmm, does somebody smell something?" And then I wander outside to take the garbage out. Please note that this method is only successful when another adult is in the vicinity.

Another thing I do after putting Antonio down to sleep is I just sort of hang out for a while in the dark. The first 10 minutes or so I can justify since he whines when I leave right away, anyway. But after that, it's Blackberry time! I systematically point my smart phone away from the crib, so the light from it won't wake him up, and allow myself some quality "me" time while simultaneously soothing Antonio to sleep- I'm sure he can sense my calming presence in the chair next to his crib. Anyway, this hasn't worked lately, as Sonia's onto me and routinely whispers, "Hey! I know you're playing Word Mole in there! I need you to take the baby so I can pee!" through the closed door. It was fun while it lasted.

Probably the most reprehensible thing I've been guilty of doing is pretending to be asleep when either of my sons woke up at 3 am for a bottle feeding. Being a musician with a fairly keen sense of timing (I can rattle a tambourine like no other), I'm able to breathe in and out deeply in precise three-second increments. Couple that with an occasional grunt and it can be convincing as hell. You have to be careful not to sniffle, cough or tap your foot to keep the tempo, though. That's a dead giveaway that you're conscious and bottle-ready.

Smiling while "sleeping" is a clear tell. This guy's an amateur.

Clearly, I've been caught in the act more often than I've been successful, and rightfully so. But that doesn't mean it's not worth trying when you've had a real shitty day at work and your only salvation from the chaos is to pretend you're going to the bathroom and whip out your phone for a quick game of Brickbreaker. Just sayin'.

Till next time, be strong and stay sane. And share this with others who'd enjoy!

-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
My Podcast: www.courtesyflush.podomatic.com