Do Unto Others...Unless They Steal Your Shit

When I was 12, this guy Matt in my neighborhood took issue with me during a snowstorm when my sled accidentally collided with his. He was a year older and, at most, five pounds heavier than my meager frame. Like most things, it escalated after some yelling and before I knew it, I was looking over my shoulder every day on the walk home from school. It didn't help that we lived a block away from each other and shared the same route. Then, one day I came home more perturbed than usual and my father noticed. He asked, "What's wrong, son?" So, I answered, "Well, dad, there's this aggressive dickhead who can't wrap his pea-sized brain around the fact that our sleds colliding was a fucking accident and he should focus more on curing his unsightly acne and get over it." Okay, I didn't say that. But I did mention the scuffle. And it's one of those father-son moments I won't forget. He put his hand on my shoulder and his eyes met mine. With pronounced seriousness, he said, "I don't want you starting fights, but if you get pushed, you push back. Do you hear me?" Oh, I totally heard him. At least the part where he said it was okay for me to push people, anyway.

Fast forward 20 years and I hear that my 2 1/2 year old son, Antonio got into a scuffle of his own at school. I didn't immediately worry, as there's only so much damage kids can do with finger paints. But I'll admit that it got my attention in a hurry. All of a sudden, I was thrust into a new level of parenting- the level that's not just about wiping his ass and hunting for stray boogers with a Q-Tip, but the level where you have to actually mold them into a functioning member of civil society. This level is fucking frightening, folks.

So the way I heard it was that Antonio and one of his "friends" (or as friendly you can be with someone who you just intermittently share blank stares with) got into some sort of argument that neither could explain, because, well, their memories are as reliable as Drew Barrymore's in that 50 First Dates movie. But what I also heard is that Antonio threw the first punch (read: errant slap). Then, later, after everything had settled down, he went up to the kid again and attempted to take him out with a chair! And, not that I would ever wish harm on the other kid in question, but my first thought was, "Holy shit, my kid's a bad-ass!" Before you judge me, consider the fact that I was a timid kid who, while I wasn't the bully's prime target, I would get railed on when the more prominent nerds were home sick with black eyes. My son, who is shy by nature, trying a move that would make Joe Pesci's character from Goodfellas cry foul, at least displayed an ability to be assertive. When asked about the incident by his Grandfather, Antonio matter-of-factly replied, "Yeah, I hit him first," without once taking his eyes off the television. I'm pretty sure I'm raising the next Boston Strangler.

For the 10th time, it's a European satchel, not a fanny pack!

To those parents reading this with a slack jaw, I assure you that I gave Antonio a nice, clear talking to about this whole thing. I had him look at me in the eyes (because that's what you do when you're being parental) and told him nobody likes an asshole. Just kidding, I gave him a high-five. Kidding again! I did what any good parent would do. I told him that Santa was watching. Then I opened my eyes wide and nodded solemnly to indicate that Santa was a vengeful bastard who wouldn't think twice before urinating down our chimney while cackling like a madman. He seemed to buy it. I can only hope this tactic works when he's shoving kids into lockers in high school.

To those of you who continue to support my various writing projects, I thank you kindly. The greatest compliment you can pay me is forwarding my blog (and in the future, the link to buy my book) to your friends. I had a reader of mine tell me I have "a gift" the other day. I'm not sure how lucid she was when she said it, but hey, I'll take it.

Till next time, be strong and stay sane!

-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
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