When Your Son Realizes Yours is Bigger Than His

We're surrounded mostly by people who, at their core, are out simply to get their point across, to tell their most interesting story, to get the biggest laugh. But not kids. Kids have no agenda. They just tell the truth, no matter the consequence or how offensive it might be to others.

"Hey, son, I put you to bed tonight. Let's get your PJs on." 

"No, I don't want you. Go away." 

This kind of thing happens. Regularly. At some point, you simply develop a thick skin or just cry by yourself in the bathroom. I've done both.

But the joyous upside of this uncensored honesty is that your kids will also tell you positive things that adults normally would not. 

"Daddy, your penis is much bigger than mine," my son will say, as I relieve myself while he's brushing his teeth.

"Why yes, it is, son," I reply. And then he'll stand next to me in front of the toilet and insist that we "cross streams." Thankfully, I know that he gets that expression from me. I'd be a bit concerned if I didn't know where he'd heard it.  

My four-year-old also notices that my wife's breasts are, thankfully, bigger than mine. But the fact that he even acknowledges I have any at all indicates brownies are out of the question for a few days. And he's completely infatuated with "private parts" already...especially his own. No impromptu dance party is complete without an appearance by his butt-crack and he constantly threatens (and often delivers) to "poke me in the balls." Much like when watching a Kevin James film, I've learned to turn my body away from him. Self preservation is key.

Should I be concerned, though? Will my constant affirmation that my penis is larger than my son's ultimately yield resentment? Well, I can't say for sure, but I definitely intend to keep doing it.

Be good to each other.

 

-Joe DeProspero

jdeprospero@gmail.com

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Check out more of my comedy writing at Doctors Etcetera.