There. I said it. I have absolutely no patience with my very own children. I've officially run out. I mean, I used to have some. When my older son had just turned two and started taking an active interest in Nickelodeon, I would bite my lip as he complained when I put on the very show he, himself, had requested. But it's gotten way out of control. Here are some examples of ways in which my sons have pushed my patience to the point of extinction.
1. Random Anger
He's been better about it, but Antonio has had a tendency in the past to knock down his younger brother Nate for no discernible reason. Naturally, I defend poor Nate, yanking his big brother away. For reasons known only to him, Nate then proceeds to swing wildly at ME! Makes a lot of sense, right? Well, I'm done protecting the kid. Maybe he's developed Stockholm Syndrome, where you develop affection for your captor and defend them. Whatever the case is, he's on his own.
2. Unnecessary Wardrobe Changes
As recent as this morning, my four-year-old son (that's young) insisted on changing his socks because these other socks he picked out "go with my outfit better." Did I really just fucking hear that?
3. Dropping a Phone on My Face
No, really. He dropped a phone on my face. Antonio think it's hilarious when I'm lying down next to him, mindlessly scanning my iPhone, when I lose my grip and it lands unceremoniously on my forehead. Can't blame the kid for laughing. I look like a complete tool when it happens. But last night I learned what happens when my son takes the action into his own hands. Literally. He stood on his bed with my phone in hand, giggling menacingly, before intentionally dropping the phone, making a perfect landing with the edge of it on the bridge of my nose. And, if it needs to be said, I fucking lost it.Then he got embarrassed and he fucking lost it. We were both fucking losing it and then my wife came and told us to shut up.
4. From Obsessed Stalker to Silent Treatment
The only thing worse than when my kids won't leave me alone is when they refuse to acknowledge my existence. There's simply no happy medium. They either act like Alicia Silverstone in The Crush or a disinterested cat. All within the span of three minutes. So what I'm trying to tell you is my children act like a disinterested Alicia Silverstone.
5. The Most Annoying Sound in the World
Remember that scene in Dumb and Dumber where Jim Carrey asks, "Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?" Well, my son makes that sound. Every. Single. Day. My wife always reminds me, "Now that they know it bothers you, they'll do it even more." I don't comprehend why my dissatisfaction with something would encourage its continuance. But I've come to realize that's a major bullet point of parenting: these kids are out to destroy us.
Thanks for reading, and feel free to send along some of your own grievances!
Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter here. I post quite often.
6. Stupid Obsessions
ReplyDeleteBrandon, my six year old, is OBSESSED with removing his shoes whenever entering someone’s house. It’s gotten so bad that he has actually attempted to remove his shoes when entering a restaurant. So I guess, anywhere that’s indoors. I try to come up with reasons why he feels this urge and I have several theories: Maybe it makes him feel more comfortable? Maybe it makes him feel like the stay will be longer? Or maybe he likes dirty socks?! Whatever the reason for the quirk, I shouldn’t care right? Wrong! Brandon is unable to tie his own freaking shoes, so I care a lot! So until the day comes where he has mastered the laces, they stay on. And, I don’t want to hear an hour before we go to Grandma’s house ‘Mom, when we get to Grandma’s, can I take my shoes off?’
I find it hard to blame Brandon, though, to be honest. I'm a frequent shoe-remover myself. But then again, I can tie my own. He's asking for a little too much too soon!
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