Blurred Lines: The Plight of the Glasses-Wearer

Yeah, yeah, I know. First world problems and all that. There are people in this world who suffer far greater fates than a foggy lens. And those subjects are better tackled by writers exponentially more intelligent than I. But me? I wear glasses. It’s what I know. And it’s a lifestyle marred with overlooked inconveniences and comical setbacks. Because of a medical condition, I am not able to wear contact lenses. Bear that in mind while reading this piece.

There are times when I’m out in public, at a bar, coffee shop, etc. when some stranger rubs me the wrong way and I have to bite my tongue. Because my insurance won’t pay for a new pair of frames should I get punched in the face. And with my astigmatism it’d be like putting a down payment on a small car.

Aside from the obvious setbacks that come along with the lifestyle, here are some situations where it’s nearly unbearable to be a glasses-wearer.

Picking out a Halloween costume

Dressing up like a goon and collecting candy bars cemented October 31^st as my favorite day of the year as a kid. But every year it was the same, tired problem. Which costume can I pull off despite my glasses being on my face? Elvis Costello? Buddy Holly? The cast of “Revenge of the Nerds?” None were attractive options for a 9-year-old already being pushed into lockers. I instead opted for the horror genre. And to be clear, my Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees years were marred with intermittent pouting as I strolled down Maplewood Ave. in hopes of looking like a prolific murderer, instead looking like a hockey goalie who ran out of disposable contact lenses before the game.

Having a beach/pool day

There is no embarrassment-free option here. Either you wear your glasses/prescription sunglasses into the water and walk around with water spots on them all day (or risk losing them in the ocean, which I’ve done) or you leave them with your clothes and towel, hoping you don’t drown or miss the diving board.

Watching TV in  bed

In the first house we owned after my wife and I got married, the only practical place we could position the television in the bedroom was to the left of the bed on top of the dresser. This meant, of course, that in order to watch it, we’d need to lay on our sides and rest our cheeks on the pillows. Now, take a pair of frames and try accomplishing this with glasses on. Eventually, we decided that Jay Leno wasn’t worth the frustration and bailed on the TV entirely.

 Playing ANY sport

Basketball, baseball, ultimate Frisbee, air hockey…if you can think of it, I have probably had my glasses knocked off my face playing it. And inevitably, I wind up looking like Kurt Rambis (not a good thing, ever).

The incomparable Mr. Rambis

Being on webcam

Every time I appear on a webcam, the producer asks me to remove my glasses, as the light from my computer screen reflects off of them, making it almost impossible to see my eyes. But when I take my glasses off, not only can I not see my notes, but I can’t focus on a single thing and end up looking, quite literally, blind to the viewers. Not a good look for me.

Pillow fights
 I know this is random, but you’re at a serious disadvantage in any fight as a glasses-wearer, and that goes double for pillow fights.

Doing anything in the sexual realm

You start making out and your lenses immediately steam up and/or become an obstruction. So you take them off. Then you spend the rest of the sex squinting to make sure you’re grabbing for the right things and that you’re even with the right person. Subsequently, glasses-wearers are 15 times more likely to accidentally cheat on their spouses with a vacuum cleaner.

Having your picture taken

Everyone wants me to be remembered in photographs as a non-glasses-wearer. I know this because I can’t be in front of a camera without being shamed into taking mine off.  “Hey, do you mind taking your glasses off?” “Joe, take those babies off. You know the drill!” But this is part of my face, a distinguishing characteristic of my appearance. It’d be like asking Cindy Crawford to remove that mole on her cheek. You know the one. Kindly place it into your pocket and put it back later, Cindy. This next shot’s going on Facebook!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go look for my glasses that inevitably will be sitting on top of my head.

Follow me on Twitter @JoeDeProspero or email me at jdeprospero@gmail.com.