A Parent Chaos: The Name Game

You don't need to be a parent to relate to the struggles and frustrations of having to name something. Pick any nameable entity- a doll, pet, even a southern body part, and odds are you spent a considerable amount of time deciding what you'd be shouting at it for the next several years (although, I sincerely hope you're not yelling at a doll or a penis). For my part, I've always been horrible at the name game. Having played in three bands and a songwriter for most of my life, you would think I had enough practice to give a "title" to my children. But, not so fast.

The first thing we should talk about is that everyone, and do I mean everyone, thinks their taste in baby names is superior to others. In general, people think their taste in just about everything is superior to others, and gasp at the thought of you giving your child a name that isn't on their exclusive list. And if you happen to be a parent in the midst of this struggle, remember just one thing- people are fucking morons.

Aside from your own indecisiveness, you also have to deal with the aforementioned skewed views of everyone in your life who thinks their opinion matters. First, you'll have those who just flat out don't like the name you selected.

"Dante? Really? You guys actually like that name?" Thanks for being tactful, Aunt Rose.

Then, you'll have those who don't like the name because it reminds them of someone who wronged them one time in 1973 in a totally insignificant way.

"Oh, please don't name her Francesca. I knew a receptionist named Francesca and she had a lisp and bad hair." Phew, thanks for the warning!

Naming my first son was easy. The family was sitting around one day, throwing out different combinations we liked. I think it was my dad who threw out Antonio Joseph, since we said we wanted to honor both grandfathers, if possible. And so it was. Everyone seemed to like it, and my overly white friends who were frightened of an ethnic name like Antonio called him AJ. Done deal.

Let me clarify that even though we named my first son after both grandfathers does not mean I condone sacrificing taste in the name of tribute. If your collective dads' names are Robert and Raul, don't name your poor son Raul Bobby. I'm sure they (Raul and Bobby) will understand if you opt for something that doesn't sound completely ridiculous. And your son will get his ass kicked a lot less. It's a win-win.

My second son, however. Different story. We made the mistake (which we would never do again) of telling family and friends alike what our name choices were. It was between Leo, Benjamin, and Nathan. There was exactly one person who was rallying for Nathan (me) and my campaign was running on fumes by the time we hit the delivery room. But I did have a glimmer of hope. Sonia liked Nathaniel, and she said she'd agree to that name if he looked like one. That's what I was banking on, the baby looking like a Nathaniel. I thought I was finished, mainly because I never believed anyone looked like a name. As it turned out, Sonia thought he did look like a Nathaniel! I got my name (kinda)! But there was one problem- I was the only one excited about it. Since we'd shared our group of names, people in the family had already started referring to him (while still in the womb) as Leo or Ben. We knew this announcement would go over like a Metallica sighting at a Napster convention.

Two days after he was born, when we came to the name decision, we finally made the phone calls we'd been dreading. The reaction was just about what we expected.

"Hmmmmmm, okay."

"Nawhat? I can't even pronounce that."

"Oh well." (my personal favorite)

It was a tough five minutes to get through. It felt like we were American Idol judges and were sending lackluster contestants home who hadn't made the cut to go to Hollywood. In the end, though, I'm happy we stuck to our guns, and suggest you do the same when it's your turn. You won't make everyone happy, but when will you ever? So make yourself happy. Just close the blinds before you do.

Till next time, be strong and stay sane. And share this with someone who can relate!

-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com

My Podcast: www.courtesyflush.podomatic.com