My older son, Antonio just doesn't quite get the fact that he's supposed to be the one of our two kids cooperating now. We figured once the new baby was born, he'd fall dutifully into his new role as older brother, changing diapers, preparing his own meals and sleeping the exact number of hours we needed him to without complaint or question. Hasn't quite been the case, though. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's just fucking with us at this point.
The kid is merciless. Last night, I had what felt like the start of a migraine headache. And speaking generally, of course, the last thing I need when such a headache starts to form is the unsympathetic presence of a randomly screaming two-year-old. But does he get that? Noooooooooo. As I lay cringing on my bed like a kicked puppy, my son showed as much compassion for me as a tiger would for a crippled fawn, jumping on the bed, pleading for me to get up and play with him. I felt like a defeated boxer, but instead of suffering from too many right hooks and jabs, it was from too much Fresh Beat Band and Umi God damn zoomi.
I took Excedrin Migraine, which helped pull me through, as I ultimately ended up putting Antonio to bed. Now, once the books had been read, teeth had been brushed and patience had worn thin, the after dark aggravation started setting in. The first thing he does is display a completely irrational indecisiveness with the color of his M&M nightlight. You see, he has a nightlight which is an M&M holding a lamp post. The cool thing about it is it changes colors! The shitty thing about it is it changes colors! It's a mixed bag, because I find myself marveling at the technology, but later annoyed that Antonio now has the option to change his mind 15 fucking times about what color he wants the lamp post to be. And every single time, he winds up settling on purple anyway, despite entertaining every other color in the spectrum. It's like watching Sonia order off a menu.
After the crucial nightlight decision is made, he continues the indecisiveness by first crawling into his bed, then 30 seconds later, crawling out of bed and laying down on top of me on the floor. Then he goes back to bed within a minute. This goes on for about ten minutes, until I put my foot down and tell him he can't do it anymore. Then it goes on another 20 minutes after that.
Assuming my efforts would be rewarded with an undisturbed night of sleep is clearly ridiculous, as Antonio decides that if he's not sleeping at 1:30 AM, then no one is. He starts whining from his bed, as I reluctantly decipher that he's calling for daddy. Although, I lie and tell Sonia that he may have said "mommy." Not only am I an awful liar, but "mommy" and "daddy" are cruelly nowhere near each other phonetically. I bite the bullet and tend to the boy. No sooner did I drag myself out of bed and straddled his security gate does he fall back to sleep again. This happened three times between 1:30 and 6:30. I would almost rather he woke me up to punch me in the face. At least then I would have served a purpose.
Nate followed this up by waking up at 4:45, which is tragically half an hour before Sonia's alarm wakes her up for work. Having mercy on my pitiful, tired soul, Sonia feeds Nate and loses the precious last half hour of her slumber, successfully thwarting my sons' collective efforts to ensure I never enter REM sleep. Unfortunately, though, this duel is far from over.
Pray for me.
-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
My Podcast: www.courtesyflush.podomatic.com
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