1. Can my wife out-run me if I make a dash for the door?
2. How the hell is this possible? It took us 12 months to have Antonio and now 12 minutes for this?!
3. Oh my God, our families will think we're irresponsible idiots.
4. Okay, it wasn't 12 minutes, but on a difficulty scale, Antonio was Mike Tyson and this new baby was Glass Joe.
5. Oh shit, her parents (who already watch my one son) will move back to Ecuador now. That'll make splitting time between the families on holidays (and dropping them off before work) way more difficult.
6. I wonder if they sell a garter belt/suit of armor/condom combo on eBay. Pfft, of course they do.
7. If this isn't a girl, I'm fucked!
8. If this IS a girl, I'm fucked!
9. This is supposed to be a joyous event, but since I look like I'm constipated right now, doing a cartwheel would come across as forced.
10. Having Lady Gaga on in the background feels totally weird and inappropriate for this moment.
11. I'm hungry.
12. I need to eat as much as I can before the new baby comes!
That's the last thing I remember thinking. Then I felt dizzy and needed to sit down for a while. My genitalia then retreated into my abdomen and refused to come out until I coaxed it out months later with a Coldwater Creek catalog.
They may be fighting. But at least they're out of my hair.Nathaniel James was born on June 14, 2011. In ways, it was more surreal than Antonio's birth. In an instant, we went from outnumbering the children to the odds being even. It was like a back-alley knife fight we suddenly felt like we could lose, only cuter and with balloons. And almost immediately, it became apparent that our lives were over. I mean not OVER over, but kind of over. At least for the next decade.
It's relatively easy to pawn off one child on your parents. It's like asking them to watch your dog. Not a major commitment. But two? You might as well be asking them to drive you to the airport at 5 am through downtown Harlem. Get the fuck outta here, they might say.
But despite all of this, having two also has its perks. Here are some I've realized:
* When you're the only adult and desperately need to use the bathroom, put the older one in charge of the younger one and go do your thing. It's a solid lesson in project management. Well, we hope it turns out solid, anyway.
* Instant hand-me-downs. Normally, when you get baby clothes given to you from someone else, you have to wonder what those weird brown stains are near the crotch lining. But when you're handing down to yourself, you already know where the stains are from. It's a little less gross.
* When we ultimately form a band, the singer and guitarist don't have to be the same person.
* Tug of wars are more fair now.
* If one of the two starts failing in school, he can serve as the bad example to the other.
* One word: shoveling
* Two words: bunk beds
* Three words: competitive board games
In short, having two can be an enormous pain in the balls. At any given moment, there's a good chance one of them is crying while the other one is shitting. They make restaurant visits feel like excursions to Antarctica, and if they don't get along?! Well then, fuck me. I'm even more screwed than I thought! Overall, though, it's an experience that fills my heart with happiness on a daily basis. It just sucks that my wallet isn't quite as full.
Any other topic you'd like me to cover? Well let me know! I also welcome questions from readers, which I will turn into an "Answering Reader Questions" blog. Nothing too personal or gross. And by that I don't mean not to send me anything too personal or gross. I mean there is nothing you can send me that will be too personal or gross. Bring it on!
-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
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