Current kid's shows are the exact definition of a mixed bag (read: shit bag). While they help you accomplish tasks around the house you otherwise couldn't (like walking farther than five feet from your kid without him or her screaming like a burn victim) , they are a far cry from Picture Pages and Sesame Street. Today, we've got The Fresh Beat Band, which, if I have to say it, is intolerably rage-inducing. The show involves four nauseatingly upbeat band members who, in a nutshell, always have an insanely simple task to complete that the white DJ kid manages to fuck up by being so annoying he distracts everyone else. Said DJ kid, Twist, is as likable on the show as a house fly at dinner. I guess I should've been more specific when I prayed that my kids would get into music.
"I can't believe they cast me as the God damn keyboardist and not the white dude," says Shout through gritted teeth.Possibly the ruler of the roost in this new crop of kiddy crack programming is Yo Gabba Gabba! , which comes across less like a kid's show and more like a bad acid trip. From what I can tell, the show revolves around a black man wearing an orange leotard and any celebrity who happened to be in that city while they were filming that episode. Oh, and there are robots and bright colors. And every once in a while, as if the network put it in the show's contract, the robots will shout out "A, B, C!" or some other vague scholastic reference, so Nickelodeon can pawn it off as educational. Brilliant. I'd say more about this program but my wife turns it off when it's on. And when my wife isn't there, I'm usually too busy playing Words with Friends anyway.
Sesame Street had (and still has) character. Actually, plenty of characters. I always celebrate internally when Antonio tells me he wants to watch "Sess-Me Street" instead of Ni Hao, Kai Lan. Not that Ni Hao is so awful, but I'd rather my son learn the alphabet while I get to appreciate the adult-accessible inside jokes Grover makes than sit through 23 minutes of melodrama because Tolee the talking koala needs his precious fucking ego stroked because he finished last in a foot-race. So, if your kid is at the age where he or she is starting to recognize the addictions of being a couch potato, I highly suggest you guide them in your own selfish direction. That's part of being a parent, after all.
Don't get me wrong; there are a handful of kid's shows that actually provide valuable lessons to children. Dora the Explorer, for example, encourages viewers to help her get from one place to another by using a map- which would be totally useful if in 16 years, when our kids are actually driving maps still existed. Go, Diego, Go! spun off of Dora (it's the Frasier of the cartoon world) and involves Dora's cousin, Diego, running through the rain forest and helping animals in peril. While it provides decent lessons in offering assistance to those in need, it also encourages kids to run into the woods with a pet jaguar (not a great lesson).
No need to panic if you're considering having kids and now worry about losing your precious TV time to your toddler. It's going to happen, so the sooner you release control, the easier it'll be. Kind of like a colonoscopy. Only difference is during a colonoscopy, you're fortunate enough to be unconscious.
Till next time, be strong and stay sane. And feel free to share this with someone who can relate. Thanks to those who have already! Glad you're enjoying the telling of my little journey.
-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter @JoeDeProspero
My Podcast: www.courtesyflush.podomatic.com
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