What to Say and What NOT to Say to a Mourner

I don't consider myself some kind of veteran griever or anything, but over the course of the past month, I've come to realize the comfort tactics that work well and some that work....not so much. So here are some examples of what has and hasn't helped me.

GOOD:

Sending a simple text message saying, "Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hope you're hanging in there." Perfect. Offers support without hinging on unrealistic cliches like, "I know I live in Guam and would need three connecting flights and a submarine to get there, but if you ever need help watching the kids, let me know and I'll see what I can do."

BAD:

Overemphasizing the sadness. In general, no one likes this person, but they are even more prominently spirit-crushing during times of grief. The people who generally fall into this category are women in their 80s who've seen their share of losses (and arthritis). My Grandmother's friend came up to me at the wake and enlightened me with, "Oh, and I guess this means no 60th birthday party for your Mom. What a shame. What an absolute shame. That will be such a difficult day for you kids now. Wow. Your family has just been decimated. Decimation has occurred here." Thanks, Mildred. Does this diatribe come with a gun? For at least one of us?!

GOOD:

Offering me alcohol and/or tickets to concerts/sporting events. Hey, it was worth mentioning, that's all I'm saying.

BAD:

Bringing up something you recently went through and comparing it to this. Now, I understand things could be worse. And there are surely other situations that left people more screwed than I am. But I lost my Mother AND Grandmother in a weekend. They lived within ten minutes of me. We saw each other all the time. Neither one of them was overtly sick and we were all shocked by their deaths. Don't compare this to your divorce. Which you were probably the cause of, anyway, based on this little chat.

GOOD:

Taking my mind off of it. I had a 20 minute conversation the other day about what food we were or weren't willing to eat off the ground. It was disgusting, it was outrageous, and it didn't remind me of anything sad. I loved it.

BAD:

Assuming everything is okay. Surely, I don't expect daily check-ins on my mental state. But for the immediate family, happiness will now need to be redefined. My life will always be missing these two crucial pieces and mentally accepting that is something that could take years. So, if you consider yourself a true friend to me or to my sister, please don't forget that we need you. Now more than ever. So, about those concert tickets...


I know there's probably a handful of readers who are frustrated with my lack of humor the past month. There may even be some who fault me for publicizing so much of my personal business. But folks, you should know by now that I'm all about full disclosure (and I'm leaving out more than you know). There's something cathartic and healing about the process of chronicling your pain in words. At least for me. And I'm hearing more and more that people find it inspiring. So I'll continue doing it as long as I find it to be beneficial.

Feel free to pass this along to others, and thanks as always for your support.

-Joe DeProspero