Explaining Why Batman is Only Kid-Friendly Sometimes

I recently purchased "The Dark Knight Rises" on DVD. After watching half of it, I left the DVD cover on the coffee table. My three-year-old son, Antonio, innocently picked it up and asked if he could watch some of it.

"No, honey. This is too scary for you," I answered, with a chuckle.

"But..it's Batman," he said, pointing to the cover graphic, eyebrows frozen in disbelief. I looked down at his feet and noticed the Batman logo adorned on his sneakers. So then the question was....how do I explain to my son that certain characters or programs are watchable depending on circumstance?

What I ultimately did was explain that there was a "Kid Batman" and an "Adult Batman." But truthfully, I think he saw right through the bullshit. How could I explain it so he'd understand, though?

"Well, you see, the 'Adult Batman' has lots of melancholy and dying and 'Kid Batman' is basically just Batman and Robin doing donuts in the Batmobile." That's how I'd like to explain it, but realistically can't, or won't. That would be crazy. I mean, it would be crazy, right?

These are the kinds of things we are forced to say as parents. A Kid Batman and an Adult Batman. I'm not even sure if I should capitalize "kid" and "adult" here, but it feels like I should. But seriously, imagine if there were different versions of other characters. Like what if Big Bird starred in a movie opposite a murderous lunatic who cut the faces off its victims? How would we differentiate? And imagine the looks on their faces if we accidentally put the wrong one on during a playdate.

Realistically, there was only ever one Batman movie that was arguably suitable for children. Don't pretend you don't know which one I'm talking about. It was "Batman and Robin." Clooney was Batman, Schwarzenegger was Mr. Freeze and there were nipples in the bat suit. Since this is the most cartoonish of all the Batman films, I considered allowing my son to watch this one first, to "ease him" into the series. But I also don't want to ruin the franchise right off the bat (pardon the pun). I'd almost rather him watch one that will give him nightmares. At least he'll still have respect for the series.

California citizens saw this movie, and voted for him anyway

As parents, we're faced with difficult decisions every day. But I'm always surprised by the ones that seemingly come out of nowhere. I count this among them. So, fellow parents, how would you describe the difference between Adult Batman and Kid Batman?

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A Parent Chaos: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

If you couldn't tell by my previous posts, I'm a big pet peeve guy. In short, I'm easily annoyable. But since I became a dad, the tolerance for those annoyances has decreased by no less than 45%. That's almost 50%! Aside from the obvious struggles that you face as a parent (maintaining nap schedules, staying relevant to your non-parent friends, shitting without interruption), there are certain things people will insist on telling or asking you. Every one of them eats away at my spirit in a special and unique way. Let's get to them.

* Is he walking yet?

He's two and a half, you dolt. He's been walking for like 700 straight days, at least five of them being with you. He probably finished ahead of you in the NYC marathon. He can do the moonwalk and cartwheels. Thanks for fucking noticing.

* Sleep when the baby sleeps!

People will tell you this like it's some kind of sage advice. They'll say something like, "Keeping up with the baby making you tired? Just sleep when the baby sleeps!" Oh, you mean when I actually have precious minutes to myself without a child screaming into my ear? That time is reserved for preparing dinner, catching up on DVR so you're less than 90% full, quick emotionless sex, and just staring blankly at the wall wondering what to do with yourself. If there's time after all that, then maybe I'll sleep. But those other things just seem so much more important to accomplish.


* Enjoy every minute; it goes by so fast!

Oh Christ, talk about a tall order. Every minute? Sometimes they pee in your face when you're changing their diaper. You try enjoying every minute of THAT. And it goes by so fast? Thanks for the warning, Father Time, but I'm pretty sure the clock runs at the same speed regardless of my enjoyment levels.

* I'm so tired from all the orgies and partying I partook in until 3 am last night.

If you don't feel sympathy after hearing about my late-night struggles with Antonio because he woke up projectile vomiting all over my Led Zeppelin t-shirt, you certainly cannot expect my sympathy because you're tired from doing blow with Skeet Ulrich on a school night. As a parent, there is nothing more infuriating than hearing a kid-less friend complain of exhaustion from too much fun.

* Wow! He's such a big baby!

So, my kid's fat. That's what you're saying. Got it. This is acceptable I guess before the child turns one. But after that, you're just rubbing it in. At that point, I'm already aware that my offspring needs to be put on the South Beach Diet. And by the way, you're a fatty too.

This isn't my son. I just googled "Fat Baby + Weird"

* Is it a boy or a girl?

It's wearing a green onesie, a Jets football jersey, a beer helmet, and it has a crew cut and a mustache. It's a boy.


Try not to think I'm a huge jerk for listing these quotes, as I'm sure everyone reading has said at least one of them before. And I suppose it's human nature to spout out a cliche every now and then. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. By the way, if you re-read this and pretend I was talking about a pet snake, it's even better.

Till next time, be strong and stay sane. And share this with someone who can relate!

-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
My Podcast: www.courtesyflush.podomatic.com