I recently read a friend's blog where she wrote a letter to her 16-year-old self while in her 30s, as sort of a precautionary tale. At first, I thought it was melodramatic and weird. And almost immediately after that I realized that I'm both of those things. So, here is a series of advice I'd like to give to myself at 28, the year before I became a father for the first time.
Dear Me Four Years Ago,
For starters, shave that ridiculous excuse for a beard you've been trying to grow since 8th grade. It's not happening. Ever. Now that that's out of the way, here is a list of the things you should do before your son is born on April 21, 2009. In no particular order.
* Eat a meal. I mean REALLY eat it. Sit down by yourself, delicately place a napkin on your lap, take the time to cut your steak and inhale the enchanting aroma of the red wine reduction that is happily dancing into your nasal passage. Then, pour yourself a glass of red wine. Even use a decanter. Get fancy. It will absolutely be the last time you cut your meat, use a decanter, or eat a whole meal while it's still hot.
* Talk really loud. Once that baby comes, every sound your body makes will ultimately serve as a disturbance to their precious sleep patterns. So, just shout randomly whenever you can. It will be the last time you speak over a library whisper, aside from when shouting at said child.
* Watch a complete TV show or movie from start to finish. I mean this quite seriously. Take the longest movie you can stomach. Start it from the opening credits and don't stop it until someone is either married or dead or kissing Leo DiCaprio's cold hands in the Atlantic. Once your son is born, you will be forced to watch everything via DVR, in scattered 45-second increments that don't really even connect.
* Have a conversation with your wife. Once you're a dad, your chats will resemble this:
"So, what I wanted to..."- Joe
"Heyyyyyyy!"- Antonio
"Babe, daddy is saying something, wait your turn."- Sonia
"Nooooooo!"- Antonio
"I want to just...."- Joe
"Dahhhhh, dahhhhhhh, dahhhhhhhhh!"- Antonio
"Just try and shout it over him."- Sonia ( to Joe)
"Fuck this."- Joe (slumping into his chair)
* Get a haircut. Having a child bumps every single one of your priorities down a notch or two. Cut off as much of your hair as possible before the kid's born. Even consider electrolysis. You could use it, regardless of the lifestyle change.
* Take incredibly long dumps. For real. Grab a newspaper, iPad, or perhaps a Nintendo DS if you're feeling dexterous and place yourself on the bowl with no set end time. In fact, on April 20th, eat copious pieces of barbecued meat and wash them down with a case of beer. Then, just before Antonio is born, take your ceremonial "last shit." It will mark the end of the glory days when defecation was a form of relaxation. It will also be the last time you'll be able to take a crap without someone else in the room.
* Learn tae kwon do. Not only is there zero chance you'll get around to it when you're a parent, but it teaches you crucial self-defense techniques that, trust me, are going to come in handy soon.
* Walk into the soon-t0-be baby's room with the hardwood floors and intentionally step on all the panels that creak the loudest. Place brightly-colored stickers on said panels. THEN NEVER STEP ON THEM AGAIN.
* Get in shape. And by shape, I don't mean round. Do curls, squats, push-ups and plenty of cardio. Do enough to last you at least 20 years, because that's the next time you'll do any of those things again. Also, cancel your gym membership.
* Curse, pick your nose, talk with your mouth full, sit too close to the TV, leave urine on the toilet seat, put knives out and easily accessible on counter-tops, eat an entire donut in one bite, and send text messages while driving on a mountainside. Today, they're your quirks. Tomorrow, they're your bad example.
P.S. That iPad you just got. It won't be yours for much longer.
Sincerely,
Joe DeProspero, Parent of Two
jdeprospero@gmail.com
My book is still not available on e-readers, but will be soon. If you'd like a hard copy, physical book, you can pick it up here!
Thanks, as always, and send this to anyone who would enjoy a laugh (that's everyone).
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