Answering Five Absurdly Ridiculous Questions From Non-Parents

Blogs let you be as obnoxiously honest as you'd like to be. Here's an example of that.

Much like Motown sensation The Four Tops, I can't help myself. Whether I'm at a birthday party, Baptism, or even a bathroom stall, I frequently get questions from friends and bystanders alike regarding the struggles of parenthood. Some of them are better crafted than others. So, today I thought I'd go over some of the really awful ones that I had to answer politely at the time, but can answer truthfully in this here blog. Let's get started.





Question: Is it harder having two?

My Original In-Person Answer: Well, there are times when it's difficult. It really depends.

The Answer I Wanted to Give: Imagine you're being relentlessly flicked in the eye by a squirrel. Then imagine another squirrel starts relentlessly flicking your other eye. Then imagine while both said animals are flicking your eyes simultaneously, you need to get them dressed, fed and in the car to daycare. Then imagine those squirrels are children. How the hell could it NOT be harder?! Dumbest question ever.



Question: Who takes care of who?

My Original In-Person Answer: It varies based on the situation, really.

The Answer I Wanted to Give: Oh, isn't it obvious? I take care of Antonio and Sonia takes care of the baby. In fact, I haven't made physical contact with Nate since the doctor handed him to me straight from the womb, when she then snatched him away angrily. I weep at him through an invisible force field until my two year term is up. There is a clear, unyielding division of care. P.S. Are you fucking serious?


Question (regarding Nate): Is he sleeping at night?

My Original In-Person Answer: When I'm lucky! Ha!

The Answer I Wanted to Give: Why does everyone need to ask this question? No, he sleeps during the day. Everyday. he's a God damn vampire who feasts on the blood of the innocent. Of course he fucking sleeps at night. Just not the whole night.



Question: Can Antonio have some Kool Aid before bed?

My Original In-Person Answer: Thanks for offering, but I think milk is a better idea.

The Answer I Wanted to Give: Are you out of your fucking mind?! For starters, who still actually owns Kool Aid? Secondly, do you possess even a rudimentary understanding of the parts that make up such a beverage and the effects they have on a body? The answers to these questions, respectively, are absolutely, probably just you and apparently fucking not. Kool Aid will keep my child up till about 2 am. If you want to help, give me something that will knock him out for a while, like cyanide, so I can catch up on Words with Friends.



Question: Who does he look more like, you or Sonia?

My Original In-Person Answer: Antonio more like Sonia and Nate more like me, I think.

The Answer I Wanted to Give: Have you mistaken this face-to-face interaction with a conference call? How would I have further insight into the current appearance of my children than you, who is currently looking directly at me, my wife, and my two sons? You tell me! I spawn the kids, you analyze them. That's how this shit works.



Thanks for reading, as always. And feel free to share this with someone who'd enjoy it. Oh, and pick up my book! I'm currently in the process of converting the files to e-readers, but if you'd prefer the traditional hard copy, you can pick it up via Amazon!







-Joe DeProspero

jdeprospero@gmail.com


You can buy my debut fiction novel here!

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