Bottled Anger: Seven Ways People Have Annoyed Me in Parenthood

Due to my younger son's persistently invasive reflux, I've had less sleep and more back-aches than I'd like. So, expect this blog entry to be especially hostile. Instead of focusing on my actual children, today I'll be talking about how others in my life have reacted to my fatherhood. Particularly the ones who have reacted poorly. So yeah, let's get into that.

I Googled "Annoyed Man + Middle Aged" and this is what it yielded

For starters, when you walk into that delivery room, you're essentially signing a contract that reads:

I understand that from this point forward any of my personal interests, needs, wants or desires will be of no importance. I will never sleep more than six hours in a given night until I'm 50, my shirts will never be clean beyond the first five minutes I have them on, and any lingering curiosities about life I have will mean nothing once the afterbirth has made its grand appearance.

Of course, I never signed such a document, so I assumed everything would be okay. But it's not, is it? They say your life is never the same once you have a child, and this time the cliche is actually true. It's not all bad, mind you, but there's certainly plenty of bad (enough to fill this blog, anyway!). I'm not sure everyone fully understands the frustrations parents face, not only from our children, but from all of you! So, here is a list of the most aggravating things people have done to me since I became a dad.

1. Never asking me to do anything. Ever.

Okay, I'll admit that my social calendar has plenty of blackout dates now, but for Christ's sake, throw me a bone once in a while! A happy hour, a bachelor party, even to help you move a piano up a flight of stairs. Anything! My conceiving a child in no way impairs my ability to intake alcohol (in fact, it increases it) and it certainly does not mean I want to be home every single night for the rest of eternity scrubbing a vomit-stained carpet. Help a brother out!

2. Visiting with balloons when my first was born and forgetting where I lived for the second

Being a second child myself, I'm especially sensitive to this. We may have been born second, but that doesn't inherently make us inferior to the first, like movies! I saw approximately a 32% drop-off in visitors from kid #1 to kid #2. And I'm not talking gifts, I'm talking either stopping by to acknowledge the child's arrival on earth or a simple phone call to say congratulations. Why is one kid drive-worthy while the other one gets relegated to an "attaboy" text message or worse- no acknowledgment at all? If you ever star in a Broadway musical, I'm totally leaving during intermission.

3. Saying I look tired every time I see you

I literally have slept eight hours in one night twice since 2009. That's a seriously fucked up statistic. How could I NOT look tired with that situation going on? Saying I look tired implies with megaphone-like volumes that I look awful. What's sad is I still manage to look better than you. Sad for you, not me.

4. Giving my kid clothes that would have fit him last year or will fit him when he's 13

Let me fill you in on a little secret. Those numbers on the tags of children's clothes, they're kind of a guide. As in, a sized 3T shirt might have a chance of fitting my son when he's 3. So that's why it's frustrating when my kid is 2 and you're giving him clothes that say 12 months on the tag. My kids are special, but they cannot time travel quite yet, and I have a feeling they're only going to get larger, not smaller. For those of you who have gone the other way and gotten them stuff that's more likely to fit me, your offense isn't as bad, but it's still sort of a weird thing to do.

5. Scheduling a party at night and expecting me to bring the kids

When I do actually get invited to something, this is always what happens. And only people without kids (or have kids that are vampires) would expect me to be at their house with a child after 7 pm. And really, asking a kid to be anywhere but bed at 10 pm is like asking an adult to be at a party that starts at 3 am. RSVPing "no" for this one, but thanks.

6. Referring to either of my kids as "your little one"

How more obvious can you be that you don't remember my son's name? Not only is it insulting to what I thought was a close friendship we had, but being a man and hearing the words "your little one" make me feel totally inadequate.

7. Saying you need a vacation

Starving people in Africa need food. Humans need oxygen to breathe. You are single, have a moderately stressful job, get monthly massages, just came back from a trip to Barbados where the locals fed you mixed berries while exfoliating your body on a yacht, you have a trust fund, a live-in maid and are one of the first investors in Apple stock...You sleep nine uninterrupted hours a night, have flawless relationships with your parents and have no known restrictions on your overall happiness. Yet you NEED a vacation. Get the fuck over yourself and gift your miles to a parent for Christmas. Trust me when I say that the need to escape reality exists much stronger for us than it does for you. Although, I am all in favor of you leaving the country.


There's more, I'm sure, but this is enough for one entry. If you fall into any of the above categories, I'm sorry for being so honest. But I'm nothing if not forward. As always, post this to your social networking site of choice if you enjoyed it. And follow these posts!

Be strong,

Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
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