Good God: Bringing Two Toddlers to Church

I haven't finished a prayer since 2009. That's the year my first son was born. Nowadays, when I'm kneeling in church and looking to the sky and Antonio is poking me in the ribs for his fifth snack in three minutes, I opt to be succinct and say simply, "You already know." But that said, there are plenty of reasons not to bring small children to church, but one important reason to do it anyway.

 This kid isn't actually praying. He just fell asleep and his parents pushed his hands together.

A trip to church is never without incident (read; grumbled, frustrated curses until we enter the parking lot of holiness). In fact, of all the places you can bring your children, it's easily one of the most stressful. Planning to get out the door, for instance, must begin no later than 45 minutes before the smart time of mass. Any later than that, and you're sheepishly opening the back door, hoping the priest was proactive enough to spray some WB-40 on the hinges. So, naturally, that's what happens to us every single Sunday.

We make sure both kids have sufficient fluids and snacks (as if mass is taking place in the Sahara Desert) and pack noiseless toys into a backpack and run to the car. After we've done our worst to sneak in without anyone noticing we're late, we take our seats in the back room - otherwise known as "the cry room." There's even a sign on the door going into the room that states, "This room is reserved for parishioners with small children." But apparently, the text is too small for the half-asleep college students with sweat pants and Crocs to read.  Thanks, jerks.

At this point, the priest is already halfway through his homily, which I always guiltily believe is somehow related to the sins of tardiness (if such a thing is technically sinful). Thankfully, we're far enough away from the altar where the priest can't make judgmental eye contact with us.

No sooner do we sit down when Antonio is somehow starving and proceeds to eat everything in sight. It's borderline embarrassing, since not even the babies in the room are indulging in food and drink. But he still sits there, chomping on a granola bar, not giving a shit. Sonia tries to get Antonio interested by giving him a kid bible, but the whole, "a man was nailed to a cross and rose from the dead to save the rest of us jerks" is a bit of a dark story for a three-year-old who still pees himself occasionally. He winds up using it as a coloring book, anyway.

If it needs to be said, sitting in the cry room at church and trying to actually listen is like sitting in the front row at Sea World, trying to peacefully read a book. Translation: You feel like a badass actually trying to pull it off. But then an idiot when you fail.

All in all, there are Sundays when I feel like I'm completely wasting my time. But teaching my kids the skill of shutting the fuck up for a full hour can't possibly be a bad thing.

In closing, I'll say that I do feel kind of bad cursing in a post about church. But as long as I'm not on the holy Wi-Fi network, I figure I have carte blanche. 

Till next time, thanks for reading.

-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com
Buy my first book for only $3 here.
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#parenting

A Concerted Effort: Taking My Son to See the Fresh Beat Band

Considering the attention span of a three-year-old, there isn't much we can count on mine being focused on for longer than 15 seconds. But one of the things he consistently comes back to is the lineup of shows on Nick, Jr. The infuriatingly peppy, carefree, and crappy Fresh Beat Band, for one.

Here's who they are, in case you're lucky enough to be a 22-year-old bachelor who has never heard the name. I apologize in advance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZVbigFntFc

We're here to make you sing, dance, and question your very reason for living!

So, we went ahead and bought tickets to an actual concert of said band. I think there was even a pre-sale, which implies that people were so eager to purchase tickets, that they went on sale before they went on sale. Says a ton about the current state of the music industry when we're clamoring to pre-order tickets to a concert of a fictitious band. I only wish the money I put down on it was phony too.

I dropped him off at school that day, prefacing the entire day with, "Mommy and I will pick you up early and then it's straight to the Fresh Beat show!" He was beyond thrilled. Hell, even I started getting excited just to see him experience something he'd waited so long to see.  In a word, I was eager. In another word, I was embarrassed. To be eager. After all, the original Marina wouldn't even be there! (That's an inside joke for my fellow Fresh Beat sufferers)

We picked him up around the time we said we would, and naturally hit an unacceptable amount of traffic on the Parkway heading to Toms River to the Pine Belt Arena, where as it turns out this concert was taking place in a high school gym (not an actual arena, which made me feel better about the music industry, but worse about the money I'd spent on each seat). We got there 10 minutes into the performance and I could already feel the vomit start to form. But I took solace in knowing that I was doing something for my son that was as charitable as it was commendable, allowing him to live out a dream, to see his heroes live and in the flesh. So instead of puking, I simply smiled to myself. I knew it was going to be money well spent. That was, until I actually looked at Antonio's face.

The above photo displays his expression for no less than 80% of the entire concert. Complete and utter indifference. He looked how I often look when I accidentally leave a documentary about the War of 1812 on and can't find the remote. We tried asking why he wasn't more excited, of course. But he gave us the silent treatment. A part of me was silently happy. Could it be that my spawn has come to his senses and realized how terrible and ghastly this music actually is? I soon came to find out that the culprit was food-related. Yup. Despite eating strawberries, a yogurt, a granola bar, and probably a 16-oz steak on the drive down, he started whining that he was hungry. So I took him to wait on the excruciatingly long food line. At this point it was during intermission so I figured I had the time to wait on it. So, after we finally got to the front of the line, I realize I hadn't seen a single person paying with credit card. I leaned in and reluctantly asked, "Are you cash only?" The cashier nodded disinterestedly. I literally took the bag of Sun Chips and slammed it on the counter like some kind of ogre. I may have even shouted an expletive as I stormed off, Antonio dragging behind me as he begged me for just a nibble. I started to hate myself.

Fortunately, Sonia emerged and had about two dollars in quarters, which was barely enough to cover the cost of the overpriced chips. So as Antonio went out of his way to kick, scream, and do everything in his power to show he didn't deserve happiness, we begrudgingly handed him the bag of chips. Of course, this process took so long that we missed the one fucking song he claimed he wanted to hear- "Just Like a Rock Star." He couldn't have given a shit less. He just wanted a God damn snack.

At long last, we finally made our way back to our seats, just so Antonio could softly sob while making sure I couldn't reach into his bag. Then, I saw something so foreign I knew I had to snap a shot of it with my camera. Yes, folks, this actually happened, during the last song of the performance, as the "arena" started to empty...

Yes, Antonio smiled. And for a couple of seconds, his face matched the excitement he had been oozing with over the last several months. And folks, it was that exact moment when I decided NOT to jump off a bridge and die a watery, painful death.

Till next time, be strong and stay sane.

Working hard on my upcoming parenting book. Stay tuned!


-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com

Buy my first book for only $3!
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Feeling Flighty: Taking Two Toddlers on an Airplane

Ever since I was a kid, I tended to shy away from adventure. When my meager pool of friends asked me to go to the local carnival, I accepted reluctantly, making every conceivable excuse not to set foot on anything remotely exciting. Instead, I stood idly by stuffing zeppoles into my mouth (which likely was more dangerous in the long run than riding a roller-coaster). As years went by, those same friends moved past carnivals and onto skydiving, rock-climbing, unprotected sex with promiscuous bar patrons. You name it! Still, I stood there with my bag of zeppoles. They stopped asking me to do things years ago. And once I had kids, they deleted me from their contacts. Can't blame them. But I can certainly resent the hell out of them.

Anyway, my cousin Karen in Florida had been asking me to come visit ever since the kids were born. So naturally, we waited until the boys were at the most inconvenient ages possible (1 and 3) to book our trip to Orlando.

Now is a good time to mention that I might be the world's shittiest flyer. Everyone is a terrorist, every foreign sound is the engine failing and every raindrop will cause us to nosedive erratically into the Atlantic. Add kids into the equation and you've got the makings of a first-rate, pee your pants comedy (for everyone but me, that is). And what's odd is that I refuse to fly with my wife since I fear that the plane will go down and leave my children as orphans, but apparently am okay with us all going up in flames together with the kids. Please don't try to understand my morbidly creepy logic.

So, going into this trip, I knew I had three obstacles to overcome. They were:

1. Getting alcohol immediately

2. Ensuring my older son doesn't shit in his underwear

3. Ensuring I don't shit in my underwear

Obstacle #1 reared its ugly head immediately, as I asked the stewardess upon boarding when the liquor would be served. I felt like Amy Winehouse, but dammit, I had an itch that needed to be scratched, and scratched with something at least 80 proof. I was told with judging eyes that the drink service would begin once they reached an elevation where it was safe to move about the aircraft, or some bullshit. Considering 80% of the reason I needed said liquor was for takeoff, I noticeably grimaced while lugging Sonia's flowery diaper bag and an eager-to-walk Nate simultaneously to our seats.

The most unrealistic picture ever taken

I was so intently focused on wishing we wouldn't all die that I forgot Nate hadn't pooped himself all day. So, when do you think he pooped? About five minutes before we took off. Meaning we weren't allowed to get up and that the unfortunate souls to my left and right would need to smell feces at least for the next 15 minutes. I tried my best to hold my nose and point to Nate's butt (the social indicator that I'm aware I'm the root cause of the current odor), but none of my seat neighbors would make eye contact with me. Instead, they looked away with sour faces as if they'd smelled a fart. But they didn't. They smelled shit. Luckily, Sonia volunteered to make the change once the Fasten Seatbelts sign was off. And let me tell you, that's one offer you always accept. She could've been on crutches with patches on both eyes and my conscious still would've allowed it. As she left with Nate, naturally Antonio ran to follow, causing me to awkwardly hop over the poor Cuban lady to my right, who I'd been reaching over and apologizing to for the past hour or so. After dragging him back to his seat like a mental patient off his meds, I whispered into his ear with the only phrase I knew would instantly stop the tears. "I just pooped my pants," I mumbled. And BOOM. Instant mood enhancer. He laughed his ass off, and I was no longer embarrassed.

 So while the cat's away (changing the kitten's diaper), the mouse will drink whiskey on the rocks. And drink it I did. Quickly and voraciously.Then, just as I started to really feel it, Nate dropped another bomb. So much that it leaked out of his diaper and onto his pants. And it was my turn to change him. Now, let me just say this. You haven't been truly challenged until you're drunk on an airplane, forced to change a baby's soiled diaper on an airplane bathroom changing table the size of a pocket calculator. I mean, I would've had difficulty changing a Ken doll on that thing. I tried standing Nate up on it but I bumped his head on the ceiling. Thankfully, there was some give to it (his head, not the ceiling). Although, this was the point where I started hoping a DYFS representative wasn't on board to see me stumbling down the aisle with a disoriented child and Jack Daniels on my breath. Fortunately, though, I wouldn't have to worry about walking down the aisle at all. Because the stewardess was blocking my path with the God damn drink cart. So I stood there and waited. And standing still at that point might have been harder than trying to walk. Regardless, I braved it out, because that's what mildly inebriated fathers do.

Once I was off the plane, I breathed a sigh of relief, which probably intoxicated anyone in the surrounding area. Then, as I turned on my phone, carrying a camera bag, diaper bag, my one-year-old son and a changing pad, I noticed a text message saying, "Hope you're relaxing on your vacation!" Go fuck yourself.


I'm currently hard at work (no pun intended) on my parenting book. I won't be presumptuous and set a release date, but I promise not to Chinese Democracy this thing either. Believe that.

Till next time, feel free to share this with someone you think would enjoy.

-Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com

How Fathers Really Spend Father's Day

I've always seen Father's Day as a holiday that loomed in the distant shadows as Mother's Day basked gloriously with flowers in the bright sun. And with good reason. Let's face it, Father's Day exists for the same reason that even the sluggish losers have to get picked when assembling a kickball team in fifth grade - to make everyone feel good about themselves (and more accurately, so no one can complain). But what inevitably happens is someone gets picked last and feels shitty anyway. Idea: backfired.So today I thought I would talk a little bit about what I actually did to "relax and enjoy my day"....on Father's Day.

My Father's Day celebration started practically when the clock struck 12:00 AM! My younger son Nate woke me up with a siren wail-like cry at about 12:30. I was feeling lazy and unmotivated so I just brought him into the bed with us. He then proceeded to make me regret that decision by sitting up, falling backward head-first into my face, then Sonia's face, then repeating the action.Sonia and I thought we'd extinguish the onslaught by taking turns holding him in our arms, but he bit our breasts, respectively, topping off the attack with a menacing giggle. We found out in the morning that he actually had coxsackie virus, which would explain the crying, whining and non-sleepiness. It doesn't, however, explain the head butts and the booby bites. That was just him being an opportunistic jerk.

            The reason this is animated is because I couldn't find a picture of myself in a chair.

So after sleeping less than two hours Saturday into Sunday, we prepared to host my father, stepmother, sister, brother-in-law and niece and nephew. Naturally, the one time we're hosting a holiday, we slept like meth addicts. And since it was a BBQ, I was responsible for manning the grill. But I use the term "manning" quite loosely. It was more like "boying" the grill, as I have absolutely no special skills that would separate my technique in front of a Weber 65011K from that of a child. Which would probably explain why I overcooked the shrimp and undercooked the chicken. For the record, I blame the overcooking part on Antonio having fallen off his chair and my leaving the grill to tend to him as he cried out for me. Kids are so self-centered.

Later in the day, I had to reprimand Antonio for sitting on top of my 10-month-old niece, Ella. Why did he sit on her, you ask? Well, because she had taken his coveted spot in his brother Nate's Radio Flyer wagon! Perfect sense, right? Anyway, I tried in vain to explain to a three-year-old how his argument was not based in logic or fairness. But that went nowhere faster than my attempt to impress girls with my sideburns in seventh grade.

In summary, life sucks and then you die.

Next year, I'm putting my foot down and spending the first half of Father's Day at the bowling alley. Then, I'll pick up takeout for dinner with minimal cleanup involved, followed by a nice, tall, undisturbed pint of beer. It will be incredible*.

* This proposed succession of events is fiction.There is no chance of this happening ever.

In truth, I did get a little choked up in church with the priest asked all the fathers to stand as he said a special prayer and thanked us for our commitment to our children and our sacrifices, etc. That is, until the reason for those sacrifices poked me in the groin and asked me when we were leaving.

Glad to be back writing again. I'm already a couple of chapters into my parenting book and intend to be done in a much more acceptable time than with book #1. I haven't run this plan past my kids, though, so....

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share.

Joe DeProspero
jdeprospero@gmail.com

What to Say and What NOT to Say to a Mourner

I don't consider myself some kind of veteran griever or anything, but over the course of the past month, I've come to realize the comfort tactics that work well and some that work....not so much. So here are some examples of what has and hasn't helped me.

GOOD:

Sending a simple text message saying, "Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hope you're hanging in there." Perfect. Offers support without hinging on unrealistic cliches like, "I know I live in Guam and would need three connecting flights and a submarine to get there, but if you ever need help watching the kids, let me know and I'll see what I can do."

BAD:

Overemphasizing the sadness. In general, no one likes this person, but they are even more prominently spirit-crushing during times of grief. The people who generally fall into this category are women in their 80s who've seen their share of losses (and arthritis). My Grandmother's friend came up to me at the wake and enlightened me with, "Oh, and I guess this means no 60th birthday party for your Mom. What a shame. What an absolute shame. That will be such a difficult day for you kids now. Wow. Your family has just been decimated. Decimation has occurred here." Thanks, Mildred. Does this diatribe come with a gun? For at least one of us?!

GOOD:

Offering me alcohol and/or tickets to concerts/sporting events. Hey, it was worth mentioning, that's all I'm saying.

BAD:

Bringing up something you recently went through and comparing it to this. Now, I understand things could be worse. And there are surely other situations that left people more screwed than I am. But I lost my Mother AND Grandmother in a weekend. They lived within ten minutes of me. We saw each other all the time. Neither one of them was overtly sick and we were all shocked by their deaths. Don't compare this to your divorce. Which you were probably the cause of, anyway, based on this little chat.

GOOD:

Taking my mind off of it. I had a 20 minute conversation the other day about what food we were or weren't willing to eat off the ground. It was disgusting, it was outrageous, and it didn't remind me of anything sad. I loved it.

BAD:

Assuming everything is okay. Surely, I don't expect daily check-ins on my mental state. But for the immediate family, happiness will now need to be redefined. My life will always be missing these two crucial pieces and mentally accepting that is something that could take years. So, if you consider yourself a true friend to me or to my sister, please don't forget that we need you. Now more than ever. So, about those concert tickets...


I know there's probably a handful of readers who are frustrated with my lack of humor the past month. There may even be some who fault me for publicizing so much of my personal business. But folks, you should know by now that I'm all about full disclosure (and I'm leaving out more than you know). There's something cathartic and healing about the process of chronicling your pain in words. At least for me. And I'm hearing more and more that people find it inspiring. So I'll continue doing it as long as I find it to be beneficial.

Feel free to pass this along to others, and thanks as always for your support.

-Joe DeProspero

Talking to Your Toddler About Heaven

I don't bring up Grandma Linda or Nana Helen to my 3-year-old son, Antonio. Ever. I guess I'm afraid he'll ask when he'll see them again, or worse yet, start straining to remember who they are. So, I did what any parent with a child-related problem would do- I consulted the Internet. And it shouldn't surprise you to know that I discovered I'm handling this entirely the wrong way. In fact, I can't remember a time Google ever positively affirmed my decision-making.

What I generally found is that we need to openly discuss the situation with our kids, that sheltering them from the truth would only confuse and frustrate them. I'm guessing that's why he's been acting up so much lately. At least I hope that's why. Otherwise, he was just being a jerk for no good reason.

So, last night, while he was picking out his pajamas, I started in with, "Antonio, I have to talk to you about something, okay?" And he seemed as receptive as any easily distracted 3-year-old and looked me straight in the eye. "Grandma and Nana went to heaven. That's why you don't see them anymore." At this point I realized he had absolutely no clue what I was talking about. I tried to clarify. "It's a magical place you go when you get really, really old and sick." Really, really old and sick?! My Mom would be thrilled to hear this description. But I wanted to convey that it wasn't happening to anyone else around him anytime soon. He continued staring at me, but he did seem locked into the conversation. So I tried bringing positivity into my little diatribe. "So, now when you want to see Grandma and Nana, just say the word and we'll watch videos of them on my phone!" I tried to be as peppy as possible, and I think it worked as he truly seemed excited about the arrangement.

 I'm only adding this stock picture to the blog so I can attach it as an appropriate thumbnail image on Facebook.

Minutes later, Sonia walked into the room. And I reiterated to her how Antonio was going to now see Grandma and Nana through our phones! We both acted as enthusiastic as possible for him, and it actually started working. He seemed content and satisfied that they were now in this heaven place and particularly thrilled that we were actually encouraging him to put his grubby paws on our iPhones- something he perpetually yearned for.

Then, amidst the fabricated joy, Sonia said, "Hey, you wanna watch the video where you hit Grandma with a pillow during our big pillow fight?" I have a habit of documenting anything and everything, so I had plenty of footage of that "fight" from only a week before her death. Antonio excitedly replied, "Yeah! And next time I see her, I hit her with pillow AGAIN!" I suppose those are the heartbreaking moments we'll have to endure for the foreseeable future.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to share.

-Joe DeProspero

Has it Really Been a Month?

They say "time flies when you're having fun." But in actuality, it flies all the time, even when we're not. Well, really, it's always going the same speed, but we're ignorant enough to forget that fact. However, I'm fairly certain this happens when we're too busy living our lives to pay any attention to the consistently ticking clock.

My Mom died a month ago today. It doesn't seem possible. Well, none of this does, I suppose. But feelings this fresh couldn't have actually started a full calendar month ago, could they? But they did. Despite the haze I've been in this past month, I've managed to remember almost everything, from the people who surprised me by attending the wake to the people who, frankly, annoyed me by not attending any of the services or even sending a simple email or text message. When they say, "This is when you find out who your true friends are," they are spot on.You also find out who your friends aren't, and a whole lot about your own personal strengths and weaknesses. You learn how you react to the darkest of times. And me personally? I'm currently welcoming distractions. Whether I like it or not, my kids see to it that I don't mope for too long. Antonio particularly has been helpful. His behavior was so erratic yesterday I was too busy yelling at him to realize it was Mother's Day. So, thanks for that, kid. I owe you one. My wife, Sonia sat me down on Saturday and had me re-watch the movie "Bridesmaids." That helped too. And I didn't even have to yell at it! But I did laugh.

I've also found that people have different ways of showing support. Some people will corner me with a "How you doin'?" and actually expect a salient response. While others simply send the same thought via text message. Others even walk right up and hug me. In short, I appreciate all of it. Especially since the pain is going to be spread out over time, not just confined to the day of the funeral.

Some of my happiest moments have been followed immediately by extreme sadness, and vice versa. Seeing my younger son Nate laugh fills me with joy. Then I remember how much he looks like his Grandmother, and how he'll never know her. But maybe in this case the cliche is true- if we keep her memory alive, then she's not really gone. I overheard Sonia last night pointing to a picture and asking Antonio who he saw. "That's my Grandma!" he said with a satisfied grin. I smiled and my eyes filled my tears. His inherent innocence is as uplifting as it is heartbreaking.

I still have old voicemails from both Mom and Grandma saved on my phone- even one from the day of Mom's death, asking if I'd heard from her. I've wondered whether that's healthy or not. But regardless, there they sit. I once watched a TV show where a man lost his girlfriend to a drug overdose and repeatedly called her cell phone afterward just to hear her voice. When I saw it, I thought he was nuts. Now he doesn't seem so crazy.

I should add that I feel my Grandma got short-changed in the grief department. Her death, if it had happened independent of Mom's, would've been a major family loss in and of itself. It's kind of like getting a new bike and a new 60-inch TV for Christmas. You still love the bike. And I love Grandma dearly. She was a fixture at every family event since I was born and likely would've lasted another ten years if Mom hadn't passed.

I'll end this on a lighter note. I keep Mom's cell phone in my dresser drawer. The other day I turned it on to see if anyone had tried sending her any messages. I have to say I was tempted to make some calls. Just to scare the shit out of people.

Thanks for reading, and of course, for supporting me.

-jdp

jdeprospero@gmail.com